Top 5 Odd Species of Exam Takers
Congratulations to all of you who just completed your Internal Medicine Boards. I never studied so much for a test that 92% of the people pass. It’s like studying 3 months for the driver’s ed test. Its been a long time since I’ve taken a high-stress exam like that and boy, did the old memories come flooding back. Thus, I have successfully streamlined my post-exam thoughts into SPM’s latest Top 5 List:
1. The Mid-Test Eaters- Good God! Is there anything more annoying than hearing someone open up a crinkly-wrapped food item and start munching away? This isn’t the mess hall- it’s the most important test of my life (for that year). And what’s worse, is that invariably, it’s some sort of trail mix, or granola, or dried fruit- something with maximum nutritious value and sound-making capability. I think I’d be able to tolerate it if it was something totally sugar-filled or caffeine-laden. Can’t they wait 2 hours to eat like 99% of the other testers. No, they must drink that V-8 and Power/Luna/Zone Bar now.
2. The Pencil People? Have you ever seen anyone fail the test because they didn’t have a pencil? There’s more lead in those damn test halls than at a 50 cent concert. There is no reason in the world to bring a half dozen #2 pencils into an exam unless you plan on stabbing that guy behind you who’s reading out loud. And even then, you’ll only need 3. The best part is when you ask these freakos to “borrow” one and they look at you as if you’re trying to take their last morsel of food. And what’s with bringing the special eraser in? Is it really a better eraser than the little pink guy that sits on their 6 #2s? I guess I should be thankful for these anal folk, because without them, I’d have nothing to write with.
3. The Question Comparers- Wow. As much as I despise this bunch of huddling, nervous, freakshows- I have been there. And I have done that. So have you. Don’t deny it. Even though you try to walk past those dorks amassing right by the exit to the exam, they have piqued your interest with their talk about the one which had the thing on the abdominal film. And then, 5 minutes later, before you can help it, you’re all like: “What about that one with the guy who was vomiting blood, and he had that thing on CT? What the hell was that thing?” And all the other freakshows are like “Yeah, yeah. What was that thing?” And then that one dude is like: “It was a blah-blah-blah, you were supposed to do x-y-x.” And then it gets quiet for a split second until a few people say: “Yes, I put that.” And the others are left to wallow in their known wrongness- the dangers of comparing. I’m not even gonna mention the guy/gal who pretends not to know the question your’re talking about…. so annoying.
4. The Intra-examinal Studiers- I am mystified by this pack of wild, exam-hungry, scavengers. They are like lions on the prowl, and test questions are there helpless gazelles. They didn’t stop reading the night before. They laughed at that advice. They didn’t even stop reading the morning before. And if you think they’re gonna compare questions with you at lunch, you got another thing coming. They, my friend, are going to read their index cards in their private place. I hope for these people’s sake that they fare well on these exams, b/c observing their odd behaviors in the wild makes it clear- that’s all they got.
5. The Rapid Testers- Clearly they are in a race with someone or something. There are always a few, and no one knows how they do it. I’m no slow-poke and I have never struggled for time in an exam but I still cannot even approach this elite posse. Somehow these guys (and they are almost always guys) read at some incredible speed and complete the exam a full 30-60 minutes before even the early birds are done. They quickly pack up their stuff, hand in there exam, and disappear into their world of speed-reading and circle-filling practices. When they depart, you can see other faces contort as they look down at their own exam and realize they’re barely half-way through. ‘Maybe he’s going to the bathroom? Oh my G-d, is he putting on his book bag? Shit, I gotta speed it up.’ And then they’re gone.
